Wedding Planning: Should Parents Have A Say?
How much involvement parent’s have is one of the most common issues couples face when planning their wedding. Of course there is no one right answer to this question, as it greatly depends on a number of factors- the main one being the type of relationship you have with your parents. Throughout your wedding planning experience you will likely find that you will be constantly navigating through everyone’s individual opinions, but generally speaking, the opinions of your parent’s are the ones that matter the most. There is no doubt that a wedding is all about what you and your partner want, but as weddings are commonly large family affairs, you may find you end up trying to please everyone else too in order not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Naturally in the majority of cases your parents will have a huge interest in your big day and will want to be a major part of it. Most often this will include making monetary contributions towards the festivities. But does that mean that they automatically get a say in the planning process?
If this is presenting an issue for you, then first of all you need to reflect on these factors:
What is your relationship with your parents?
I’m very lucky that I have an amazing relationship with both my parents and my in-laws and both sets of parents have been very supportive and helpful throughout the planning process, both financially and emotionally, whilst still maintaining an awareness of not getting ‘too involved’. I love that they are all so excited about our wedding and that they want to help us, and whilst we are doing the majority of the planning ourselves, I have truly valued their help throughout. If you unfortunately don’t have as close a relationship with your parents, then setting boundaries early on is an absolute must. Make it clear to everyone what you envision for your day to be in order to discourage any conflicting opinions. Do remember though that your parents may have a different vision in regards to weddings than you, so try not to get frustrated if they question any of your decisions, as they are most likely just trying to envision it your way. If they do end up being persistently negative about your ideas though then it may be time to sit down with them and have a heart to heart.
What kind of wedding are you having?
If you have had your heart set on a small, intimate wedding and you know you won’t be inviting any extended family and friends, make this known as early on as possible. The same goes for the venue as well. If you don’t want a church wedding for example, but you know your parents do, then make this known as soon as possible too. It is especially important that you make everyone aware early on if you are planning an elopement too. This way you can put the brakes on any preconceived notions anyone has about your wedding, and can proceed happily knowing everyone is on the same page. If not, you may encounter potential conflicts down the line when family start coming to you with differing opinions about your day. In regards to the guest list, which is one of the most common areas for conflict, make up an initial list with your partner before showing it to your parents. You don’t need their permission on who to invite, but you should probably show them out of respect. Plus you may have accidentally missed a vital family member off the list so it’s good to get a second opinion. If they want to add to the list but you disagree, either explain that you are limited on budget per head or something similar, or you can compromise and offer an evening invite instead. If it’s likely to cause any major issues, then you should weigh up whether it’s easier to deal with a couple of extra guests or to put up with a little disgruntlement instead.
Do you trust their opinions?
The amount of involvement your parents have will ultimately be determined by how much you trust their judgment. If you have always had like-minded opinions then there is likely to be a much lower chance of any conflict occurring. If you know that your opinions differ greatly from that of your parents, then the best avenue may be to simply not tell them. If there is something you are excited about but know your family may not necessarily understand, then forgo the arduous explanations and keep it a secret. I imagine it’s rather unlikely that anyone would argue with you about any wedding details on your actual day! Remember though that your parents have probably gone through the wedding planning process themselves too, so it may be worth you hearing what they have to say.
Are they contributing any money towards the day?
Very often, the amount of money your parents contribute to your wedding can, rightly or wrongly, reflect how much involvement they are ‘entitled’ to. Of course if they would like something that you don’t, you must be strong and say no. It is YOUR wedding after all! But if they are contributing a large amount of money towards the day you can’t really be miffed at them for asking about a few things (such as inviting a couple of their friends for example). A lot of couples are choosing to pay for the entire of their own weddings nowadays and it is no longer customary for parents to pay for everything. Which means if you know that you are likely to disagree with your parent’s opinions down the line, you should think very carefully before accepting any money from them. It’s important to remember though that if they are insistent on paying for things, its very unlikely they are doing so because they want to take some control, but simply just so you can have the best day possible.
Do you want them to be actively involved in the day?
Most parents like to be involved with the wedding planning, whether that be in financial terms or just getting stuck in and helping out with decorations or flowers, etc. If you want to be in complete control of the planning but don’t want them to feel left out, then assigning small tasks for them to do may be a good idea, whether that be assisting with the invitations or something bigger like making your cake. If you don’t want help though then you should make this clear from the start (though try not to hurt anyone’s feelings by doing so). No matter how much or how little involvement your parent have though, make sure that any major decisions are made by you and your partner alone. Getting anyone else involved in big decisions like picking the venue or the photographer for example can lead to lots of potential issues down the line.
To summarise, the overall aim is to set out clear boundaries from the beginning (if you need to) in order to limit any frustration, conflicts in opinions and just outright confrontation. You don’t want to get half way through your planning and end up arguing with them over every little detail. Whilst it’s safe to say the majority of parents only have your best interests at heart and want you to have the best day, it’s very easy for them to get a bit too invested in the planning process. (Can you blame them?) So if this is something you want to avoid, set very clear boundaries and manage expectations early on.
Most importantly, be honest and open to everyone about what YOU want. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to get hung up on the opinions of others and your wedding planning will be a lot less stressful!
Hopefully this has been useful for you and best of luck with all your planning!
All images in this post are copyright (c) of Aby-Joanne Photography.
